6.1.20

happy june everyone... it is a heated time at this moment.. my heart continues to ache for those in turmoil...

it's rather difficult to see the light in moments like these... are you taking care of yourself, reader?

i know, i know. maybe out of all people i should not be asking that.. but i hope you are... 

i'll be honest, reader.. i have returned to suicide ideations but this isnt from sadness.. i just feel like i am reluctantly living day by day..

i'll go through my day with half fulfilled human interactions.. fuel my body.. indulge in my vices... though i should stop that.

what do you live for, reader? are you still in search of a purpose?

i surely hope you find it.

perhaps i am sad and haven't been allowing myself to feel it? most of the time i feel rather dull and it's the situation of others that brings tears to my eyes.

i have too much empathy sometimes...

i just feel.. rather insignificant. will it really matter what i do in this lifetime? i often wonder..

you don't want me to continue this. you'd rather have me return to an elevated state of being where i am dancing and screaming songs on the top of my lungs, wouldn't you?

maybe its mean to assume your intent.. but i wouldn't want to watch others be like this either.. 

i apologize.. i am trying though, i promise. i'll be happy again.. some day.

maybe not today. i'll be alright.

update: 7:03 pm. 

currently eating noodles and drinking wine... i got the okay to drink in moderation from the doctors so dont u worry about my liver damage, reader!!

hmmm..... im going to be watching "have a good trip" on netflix with my best friend over discord.. have i mentioned i've taken a trip every over month since this year (2020) has started?

i believe maybe i should put my usage to halt as i have been leaning more towards nihilistic perspectives every trip i go through.. however i don't believe it's an entirely bad thing..

what do you think, beloved?

i came to the conclusion that i should not be stressing so much over my desire to make an imprint onto this world.. im merely here to be living this human experience. if i do not achieve the 

grand ideas i had dreamed of, then that's alright.. i am here to enjoy the simple things in life. like the birds that greet me in morning with song....... a laugh over a silly image

that a friend(?) has shared. the little things, really.. alright. i'm going go about night. i hope you are staying safe.. reader........ thank you for your time!! i'll give u a hug.. i don't like hugs too much.. not so comfortable with simple displays of affection.. but reader, if u have made it this far reading all these pages... u do deserve a hug! :) till the next update!

<3

wont you return home?

wont you come back?